


All That I Have and All That I Need

by punkrockloser



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, M/M, Mute!Tyler, Muteness, Past Sexual Abuse, Snapshots, Summer Romance, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 17:44:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7650442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkrockloser/pseuds/punkrockloser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh knows better than to ask why Tyler doesn't talk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All That I Have and All That I Need

**Author's Note:**

> this work contains mentions of sexual abuse, so if that is a trigger for you then please read with caution or not at all
> 
> русский translation [здесь](https://ficbook.net/readfic/4679710) :)
> 
> edit 05/23/17: went through this randomly and fixed some errors i found! can't believe it's been up for this long and i never caught them

They meet surrounded by flowers. It’s a meadow in the middle of the forest—very Disney-esque—and it’s where Josh hides away when he’s having a particularly bad day. He likes the silence that comes from being alone with only the plants for company.

So, when he sees a figure sitting near the middle of the red and pink and gold petals, he’s very tempted to turn tail and flee. But this is _his spot_. Years of attendance had made it so. Besides, it’s a bit of a far walk from his house, and the gaining heat is forcing him to rest a while.

The boy looks up, startled, when Josh sits down next to him.

“Hi,” Josh says, because he’s not a jerk, no matter how much he likes the silence. He gets a wave and a tight-lipped smile in response before the boy goes back to picking at the grass. His thin fingers avoid the flowers, and Josh figures he likes him already.

“What are you doing out here?”

A shrug.

“What’s your name?”

There’s a patch of dirt in front of Josh. The brunet boy reaches over to draw in the loose soil.

“Hi Tyler. My name’s Josh.”

Josh knows better than to ask why Tyler doesn’t talk.

Josh still gets the silence he came here for, and when he stands to leave, Tyler returns his goodbye by giving him one of the pink flowers. Tyler gestures to his hair and Josh smiles. “They match perfectly.” He leaves with the cosmos behind his ear.

|-/

He doesn’t think he will see Tyler again, but he does.

It’s summer, and Josh and his family take weekly trips to the local public pool. He doesn’t like the idea of swimming around with strangers three feet from him, but it cools him off and, really, he can’t complain.

He’s playing chicken with Jordan on his shoulders—boys against girls—when another family walk in. The old gate that surrounds the pool creaks terribly. Josh has always wanted to bring some WD-40, but can never remember.

Josh notices, with an odd twinge in his chest, the brunet boy from the meadow. He’s wearing pale pink swimming trunks, and it matches Josh’s hair, and it matches that flower, and he doesn’t know why it makes him smile but it _does_.

“I know that kid,” he says when Abbie resurfaces after losing her first round.

They all turn to look, and Josh is a little worried they aren’t being obvious enough.

“Which one?” Ashley asks.

“The one in the pink.”

“He’s cute. What’s his name?”

“I think it’s Tyler.” Josh decides to ignore his sister’s other comment.

Jordan taps him on the head from where he’s still sitting on Josh’s shoulders. “Why don’t you say hi?”

“Yeah, okay.”

Jordan sputters when Josh tips him off his shoulders into the water, but he’s laughing. Good.

Josh’s smile falters only a little—out of nerves or something else—as he wades through toward Tyler, who stands with his back to him.

“T-Tyler?” he stutters only because he’s not fully sure if Tyler really _is_ his name. But it must be, because he turns around with a confused look already plastered to his features. Tyler must recognize him too, which is a huge relief that Josh hadn’t known he was even worried about, for a beaming smile that lights up his face and closes Josh’s throat takes the place of the furrowed brows and a frown. And he doesn’t say anything, but Josh thinks if he did, it would sound excited.

Tyler reaches out to tap who he assumes is his brother on the shoulder, and Josh watches in fascination as he signs something quickly and points to him.

“Oh for real?” the brother Josh doesn’t know the name of asks with a growing smile. He glances at Josh as Tyler nods enthusiastically.

“Well hi, Josh. I’m Zack,” Zack says, and there’s no handshake, which Josh is thankful for. He’s more than a little confused at what transpired between the two brothers, but he figures Tyler had at least made the introduction.

“What’d you say?” he asks Tyler.

Zack answers, “He said, and I _quote_ , ‘Look, Zack! This is the cute boy I met in the meadow last month! His name is Josh.” Zack laughs. “It was pretty adorable.”

Josh doubts Tyler had wanted his brother to repeat word-for-word what he’d said, if the slightly red face and well-deserved glare he's sending Zack is any sign. But Josh was raised right, and he merely replies, “I didn’t think I’d really see you again. You don’t go to the high school, do you?”

“We’re homeschooled,” Zack says as Tyler shakes his head and offers a feeble smile.

Josh thinks that’s a real shame.

He asks for Tyler’s number before he leaves. Ashley is doing a very bad job at subtly eavesdropping.

“So we can talk, without Zack in the middle,” Josh explains, more than a little nervous. He’s still holding his phone out in the space between them.

Tyler looks shocked, but pleased. He smiles, nods, plugs in his number before leaving with his family.

Josh decides to ignore any and all of Ashley’s teasing comments.

|-/

He sends a text that night. The X-Files are on, but it’s a rerun. The text is simple.

_Hey. This is Josh_

He waits four minutes, clutching his phone tight and not hearing the television. Four minutes, and Josh already wants to crawl into his bed and never show his face again. But that’s socially unacceptable. After four minutes of radio silence, his phone buzzes, and he almost drops it in his haste to see the reply.

_hi josh!_

It’s just a hello, but Josh’s heart is racing. His phone buzzes again and a second message pops up on the screen after a moment.

_what’s up?_

_Just watching x files_

_sick, i love that show_

Josh smiles, and he feels daring, types and hits send on his reply before he can talk himself out of it.

_We should hang out sometime, watch some together_

Tyler’s answer is immediate.

_i’d love to_

|-/

Josh sends Tyler his address the very next day. Tyler tells him they only live two blocks away from each other. This information leaves him feeling fuzzy.

Tyler greets him with a wave and a smile when Josh opens the door. For the first time, he wonders what Tyler’s voice sounds like.

They don’t watch X-Files. They play Mario Kart instead, holed up in Josh’s room. When they enter his room, Tyler starts to sign something, stops, then brings out his phone.

Josh gets a text that says, _your room is sick. you should totally play the drums for me sometime_

Josh laughs and says, “I will. But when the house is empty.” At Tyler’s raised eyebrow, he adds, “It bothers everyone else a little too much sometimes.”

_shame_

Tyler is really good at Mario Kart. He’s even better at Super Smash Bros. They play for a few hours before Tyler pauses their match and texts, _i have to be home for dinner. one more round?_

Josh is disappointed to see him leave, but knows it’s an unnecessary response. They have time.

His mom is watching him over the kitchen table. It’s after dinner, and Josh is helping with the dishes. He knows _exactly_ what she’s going to say before she even decides to question.

“Tyler’s a little quiet, isn’t he?”

Josh shrugs, hands full of plates.

“He didn’t even return my goodbye.” She sounds disappointed, maybe hurt, definitely scathing. Josh doesn’t like the way his mother talks about Tyler. She doesn’t know him yet. Not that Josh himself truly _knows_ Tyler, but he understands. He understands, and she does not. He wants to tell her this. He doesn’t.

“He’s just shy, mom. Doesn’t talk much.” It’s a partial lie—Josh doesn’t know Tyler. He doesn’t ask about why he doesn’t talk. It’s too personal, and it doesn’t matter. Tyler is still a person.

His mother hums instead of responding, and he wishes he hadn’t volunteered for dishes. They work in tense silence until Josh puts away the last fork and nearly stomps upstairs. Nearly.

There’s a text waiting for him on the phone he’d left on his bed.

_i had fun today, thank you. my house next time?_

Josh forgets his anger with his mother. He bites his fist trying not to smile too hard. He’s in too deep.

_Sounds like a plan_

|-/

They’re in the meadow again. Josh had thought he was going to hang out at Tyler’s house, but Tyler had wanted to explore the forest a little more, and who was Josh to argue?

It isn’t as hot as it could be, for June. The sky is covered in clouds, and Josh can smell the coming rain on the wind. He hopes it rains soon. Tyler looks like the type of person to dance in the rain. Josh wants to see that. But now they sit, in the place they’d been in before, and he's content.

“What’s your favorite color?” Josh asks, because he’s curious. And lame.

Tyler reaches up and pulls on a lock of Josh’s hair.

“Pink?”

He nods, still holding on to his hair. Josh doesn’t say anything about it.

“I still have that flower you gave me,” he says instead. And it’s true. After a day of it lying on top of his dresser, he had decided to press it into an old journal that hadn’t been written in for safekeeping. Because he’d wanted to keep it, even if it was a silly little reminder of a boy he wouldn’t see again. _But I did see you again._

There’s a bashful smile on Tyler’s face, and he’s looking anywhere but at Josh. He lets go of his hair to point behind Josh’s back. He’s pointing to a clump of cosmos.

“Yeah, it was one of those.”

The rain starts softly. Tiny droplets land on their shoulders, crossed legs, upturned faces. Tyler opens his mouth to catch some on his tongue, and Josh doesn’t say so out loud, but it’s adorable. He follows suit with a rising blush when Tyler catches him staring. The rain starts softly.

Even through the trees, Josh still feels soaked to the bone. Tyler had dragged him by the hand back into the forest when the droplets rained down harder, more uncomfortable than calming, but the damage had been done.

Tyler still has a hold of his hand, pulling him along with the confidence of someone who knows where they’re going. His palm is warm against Josh’s own, and he wants to entwine their fingers. He desperately wants to. But he doesn’t. Josh’s life is a lot of not doing things he desperately wants to do. It hurts, but he takes whatever Tyler is willing to give him.

They don’t know each other, not really, but Josh feels like he’s known Tyler for years. It’s easy with him. Josh has heard people say that one day, he’ll meet someone that just makes sense. He thinks he understands now. Tyler makes sense.

“What are you doing?” He doesn’t get an answer, not that he expected one.

Tyler has let go of his hand to scale a tree, the wet bark sticking to his wet skin and wet shirt. He stops halfway up and leans back into a fork in the branches, looking like he belongs there. Maybe he does.

“Tyler.”

Josh gets a wave and a smile, and he bites the inside of his cheek to prevent a smile of his own.

Tyler makes a gesture that he interprets as “come up here,” but he shakes his head. There are no foot or hand holds low enough for him to begin climbing, and he isn’t as good as what he just saw from Tyler. “The ground is fine, I think.”

Tyler snorts and shakes his head before jumping down from his perch. His knees don’t buckle when he lands. Josh reaches over and ruffles his hair, water droplets fly everywhere, Tyler sticks out his tongue, and Josh connects their hands again.

|-/

Josh stays up late most nights now. He’s learning ASL. Tyler has told him multiple times that texting is fine, it works, but Josh wants to do better. Tyler doesn’t know he’s learning, and Josh knows it could be easier if he helps teach, but he wants to surprise him.

And when Tyler asks about the growing bags under his eyes, Josh just says he’s having trouble sleeping. Tyler believes his lie, and he doesn’t like it, but he knows how perfectly worthwhile it will be in the end.

|-/

 _Hi Tyler_ , he signs, and Tyler’s eyes go wide, his jaw drops. _You look good today._

And Tyler laughs. He laughs pure, unfiltered happiness and it’s so _pretty_ and the best thing Josh has ever heard and Josh wants to hear that laugh for the rest of his life.

There are tears in Tyler’s eyes, and his hands are shaking slightly, but Josh can still make out what he’s trying to say.

_Thank you._

Over, and over, and over again. And Josh knows he’s talking about more than just his compliment.

|-/

_Can I ask now?_

Tyler blinks. _You could have asked the moment we met._

Josh thinks back, bottom lip between his teeth. No, he couldn’t have asked then. It wouldn’t have felt even remotely the same. So, he asks now.

 _Selective muteness,_ Tyler signs. He doesn’t look at Josh when he does so.

_So you can talk?_

_I don’t want to._

“You don’t have to.”

|-/

They’re finally watching X-Files. Josh has pulled a blanket from his room to cover them with, and he’s curled up underneath it. Tyler’s folded knee digs into his thigh a little. It’s comfortable.

There’s silence in between episodes. Tyler turns to him, signs something that includes _sorry, want,_ and _water_. His hands are going a little too fast, like he’s nervous. Josh grabs his wrists to steady him and says, “Hey, slow down. I can’t read that fast.” He forces a laugh.

_I’m sorry for asking but I’m really thirsty and is it possible if I could have some water?_

_Of course_ , Josh replies, confusion pinching his features.

He’s running the water through a filter when his mother enters the kitchen. She has a laundry basket in her hands. “Is he deaf?” she asks.

“No.” The glass is full.

“Mute, then?”

He doesn’t look at her. “Yeah.”

 _Yeah_ , he signs to himself, behind her back. He remembers it as knocking.

Tyler downs his glass in ten seconds, and Josh has to explain, not for the first time, that he needs to tell him whenever he’s hungry or thirsty. No one is going to blame him for having basic human needs. And no, it doesn’t annoy him to have to go over this again, don’t worry, he’s not annoying.

Josh asks if Tyler can stay the night.

 _Like a sleepover?_ Tyler is grinning, teasing. His eyes are bright.

 _Yeah._ Knock.

Tyler’s parents are okay with it, are glad he’s making friends, if the text from them is anything to go by. Josh hadn’t meant to see, but Tyler doesn’t seem to notice.

Josh is steps away from pulling blankets and pillows for a space on the floor when Tyler flops down on one side of his bed. He didn’t go back to grab any pajamas, so he’s still in his day clothes. It looks uncomfortable, and Josh thinks he’ll sound too suggestive, but it’s out before he can really stop himself.

“You don’t have to sleep in your shorts, you know.” He says it out loud, doesn’t sign, because Tyler is facing away from him, backlit by the light from his phone.

He pushes himself up on one elbow to look at Josh, eyebrows raised and a smirk toying at his lips. _I didn’t know you were like that, Josh._

Josh groans with his face in his hands. “You know that’s not what I meant,” he mutters around his fingers.

Tyler grins. He’s teasing again. His eyes are bright.

They go to sleep with space between them. They wake up with space between them. It’s comfortable. It’s uncomfortable.

|-/

 _What happened?_ Josh asks, because he’s curious. And intrusive.

_Not yet._

_When?_

_I don’t know._

Josh knows all he can do is wait.

|-/

Zack is rude. Zack is a younger brother. Zack is rude.

“You seriously haven’t gotten tired of him yet?” The movie is paused, because Tyler is in the bathroom, and Josh has never been left alone with Zack before. This is not what he’d expected.

“Why would I?” Josh snaps. He’s already angry.

“It’s annoying,” Zack sighs. “He used to talk, like, all the time. Now, nothing, and he’s just choosing not to!”

“Do you even know what happened?”

Josh almost stops him from answering, because he doesn’t want to find out like this, but Zack just shakes his head. “Mom and dad do, but they won’t tell us. Say it’s too serious.”

Josh just stares at him across the couch, and Tyler returns. He has no idea what happened between his brother and his friend, but Josh isn’t going to tell him. He doesn’t know what he would even say. The movie resumes, but Josh can’t focus.

Tyler needs him.

|-/

It’s raining again. Josh decides he loves the rain.

Tyler hears the patter of the drops on the window before Josh does, and he doesn't have time to react before Tyler's dragging him out the front door and into the street.

“What are we doing!” He has to yell to be heard, the rain is pounding down so hard. It stings his cheeks just a little. There’s the sound of thunder, but he doesn’t see any lightning.

Tyler comes to stand close to him. _Dance with me._ It’s not a question.

Josh doesn’t know how to dance, so Tyler leads them. It’s wet, and their hands slip against each other. It’s jerky, and Josh steps on Tyler’s feet. They slosh through a puddle, two. Tyler is close, his eyes are squinted against the storm, and he’s gazing at Josh with...something behind the hazel. For the second time, he wonders what Tyler’s voice sounds like. Tyler is close.

They can’t dance for long. Lightning strikes bright and loud, the thunder following almost immediately after, and Josh pulls Tyler running back inside the house. He’s laughing, and Josh can’t stop grinning.

Ashley catches his eye when they make their way through the living room, sopping wet and happy. Josh winks at her. She won’t say anything with Tyler in earshot.

 _I have some clothes you can borrow_ , Josh says once they stand in his room. The door is shut.

Tyler strips down to his boxers, which are thankfully still mostly dry. Josh tosses him a shirt that will be too baggy and sweatpants that won’t reach his ankles. He looks adorable. Josh says so.

 _I think it’s just the clothes, Josh_. He doesn’t press.

Josh joins him in dry clothes under his comforter. His phone buzzes, and it’s a text from Tyler.

_you’re a horrible dancer_

Josh laughs out loud and pulls Tyler closer. “You like it.” Tyler doesn’t argue, nor does he pull away.

|-/

Tyler has to go on a family vacation. He’ll be gone for a week, with limited phone service. Josh feels stupid and childish when he almost asks him to stay. Tyler’s just a _friend_ , he can’t ask that. It’s too telling. Josh hates himself.

 _I’ll text you when I manage to get service,_ the brunet boy reassures. Josh watches the back of his head as he walks back to his house, biting his nails as he does so.

And he wants to go to the meadow, because now he’s having a particularly bad day, but he can’t even do that anymore. His spot in the flowers has become their spot in the flowers, and that’s not going to help him calm down. So, he does the next best thing. He drinks some chocolate milk.

Don’t ask him where that started, it’s just a very old tradition. His mother said he was three.

“Honey, you okay?” she asks, because everyone knows there’s only one reason he drinks chocolate milk. Jordan is sitting at the table with him, and he’d had the decency not to ask himself, but he looks up at their mother’s question. He’s curious, too.

“Tyler’s going on vacation tomorrow,” Josh intones, staring down at his glass. “For like a week, with no service.”

His mother does not look surprised. Jordan gives him a look of pity.

“Maybe it’s a good thing that he’s going away for a while,” she says.

Josh feels the hot flare of indignation burn against his ribs, tickle his throat. He glares at his mother’s turned back. Jordan kindly takes his leave. “Why?” is all he can spit out, though there is so much more at the front of his mind.

His harsh tone whips her head around, and she’s tight-lipped annoyed. “He’s a bit odd, Josh.”

“He’s not odd!”

“ _Selectively_ mute. Do you know what that means?” Josh stares at her, waiting for her to continue. “He can talk if he wants to, and he doesn’t, and it’s very weird, and I don’t like that you hang around him!” Her voice rises toward the end of it, her face red from holding back screams or tears, Josh doesn’t know.

His own eyes are wet. He was never good at confrontation. “We can talk perfectly fine, mom.”

“Yes, I’ve seen you two signing, and I think it’s quite impressive that you were able to learn like that—” Josh squints his eyes at those words “—but you shouldn’t have to rely on that.”

“So, what, I shouldn’t be his friend?”

She looked at him, long and hard. “I saw you two that day, out in the rain. Friend, Josh?”

He shakes his head. He needs her to stop talking. This is not what he needs right now. He needs silence. He needs Tyler. She’s wrong. She’s wrong, and she’s wrong, and _she’s wrong_.

“This is ridiculous,” he grumbles, and he doesn’t care if she hears or not, and he’s not even finished with his glass, but he leaves.

His room is tainted, too.

|-/

_I miss you_

It’s been two days, and Josh doesn’t press send. He hates himself.

|-/

_i have service! but only for a little bit :(_

Josh isn’t even awake when the text comes in. When he checks his phone, it’s been nearly two hours since the text had been received.

_I’m so sorry Tyler. I hope you still have service maybe? I was sleeping :(_

He hates himself.

|-/

It works the third time.

Josh is lying sideways in his bed, covers brought over his head and the light from his phone near blinding.

_hi, service again...please answer this time_

It breaks Josh’s heart just a little.

_I’m here! Hi_

_oh thank god. i thought you were ignoring me_

_Of course not. I was just taking a nap last time. Did you not get my last message?_

_oh...no_

Josh curses everything about signal loss. His message is just floating in negative space now. Hopefully it will come home soon.

_When will you be home?_

It’s desperate. He needs to know. He hasn’t gone outside in days.

_two days_

_Awesome. I’ll be waiting_

Josh waits, but the reply isn’t coming. He thinks Tyler’s lost service again, and the realization drops his heart from his throat to his stomach. It’s been sixteen minutes. Josh almost falls asleep.

_i miss you_

And it isn’t Josh that sends it first, it’s Tyler. So he thinks it’s okay this time.

_I miss you too_

He doesn’t hate himself.

|-/

Josh passes the time at the pool. He doesn’t tan, he burns. His dad makes a teasing, almost snide comment about wearing sunblock. Josh ignores it—there’s nothing he can do about it now. Well, except aloe. He has huge amounts of aloe gel.

So, when Tyler returns from vacation, the hug hurts. Tyler’s hands cling to the skin at his shoulder blades, turning the red patches white under the thin barrier of his shirt, but Josh is just too happy to pay it much attention.

“I’m so glad you’re back.” It’s whispered into Tyler’s shoulder, and Josh can feel the grip at his back become tighter. Tears sting the corners of his eyes, and he’s not sure if it’s from pain or happiness. Though, probably more so pain. “I’ve got a wicked sunburn, and you’re kinda grabbing right on it.”

Tyler jumps back like he’s been burned himself, an apology in his eyes and on his hands.

 _It’s okay. Now._ It’s meant to be teasing, but Tyler still looks guilty. _Do you want to do something?_ Josh asks.

Tyler signs immediately, _We have to play Mario Kart. I haven’t seen a video game in a week_. And it makes Josh laugh.

He brings him upstairs, heading toward his room. They pass his mother on the landing, and Josh stares at her as they do so, just daring her to say something. She doesn’t.

His room is a mess, and Josh curses himself for not having the forethought to clean it. Clothes are strewn haphazardly across the floor, only some actually coming to a rest in the hamper. His bed hasn’t been made for days, hasn’t been washed for weeks, and it looks grungy. Tyler comes to a rest at the game console, grabbing two controllers and starting everything up. He mentions nothing of the state his room is in.

“You’re too good for me,” Josh admits after losing each of their four consecutive races. Tyler laughs, and oh how Josh had missed that laugh. His decision still stands—he wants to hear it for the rest of his life.

 _No, you’re too good for me,_ Tyler signs.

Josh pulls him closer, and they sit shoulder to knee at the foot of his bed. It’s comfortable. The game plays high music in the background from the level select screen. _You’re wonderful, Tyler. Don’t you know that?_

Josh knows him now. Tyler is wonderful. Tyler is beautiful. Tyler is dancing in the rain and laying with his back to red and pink and gold flowers and losing to every game he thought he was good at. He is silence. He is different. He is hurtful words said by brothers and hurtful words said by mothers and lying in bed for days because he’s taken everything with him. And Josh has liked Tyler since he first drew his name in the sand, but this is something different.

 _I’m not._ Josh bites his lip and waits for an explanation. _I’m...broken._

And it hurts to see those words come from someone he believes deserves the world.

The game is forgotten. Josh’s focus is on Tyler. Tyler is crying, the tears are flowing down his cheeks and splattering against his hands and coming to a rest on the floor, and Josh wonders how long he’s been holding this in. Josh lets him cry. He lets him lean all his weight against his side and clutch at his chest until he winds down and breathes again.

Josh releases his own hold on Tyler to sign, _Why do you think you’re broken?_

 _Zack._ He shouldn’t be surprised. _He...yelled at me over the trip. A lot. Told me that I’m overdramatic, and stupid, and broken. And he doesn’t even know what happened._ He looks like he’s about to cry again.

“Tyler, _what_ happened?” Josh whispers, desperate.

Tyler shakes his head. He doesn’t stop shaking until Josh pulls him to his chest again and shushes him. “Not yet, I know. Whenever you want to tell me, I’ll be here.”

Tyler pulls him down. They lay on top of the covers, facing each other. It’s comfortable. Tyler runs Josh’s hair through his fingers, then his fingers through Josh’s hair. It’s comfortable. Tyler mouths, “Thank you,” and it’s as close he’s ever gotten. For the third time, Josh wonders what his voice sounds like. But he now knows it will be beautiful, just like everything else about him.

“Can you spend the night again?”

Tyler nods. _I don’t want to be around him right now._

“You’re safe here.” Josh thinks of his mom, then pushes it away. He’s safe here, with Josh.

They turn the game off, the music annoying. Tyler borrows more of Josh’s clothes - pajama pants this time. They’re light blue with tiny white clouds on them, long on Josh but perfect on Tyler, and Josh tells him to keep them. That gets Tyler to smile. He’s shirtless.

They go to sleep with space between them. They wake up with Tyler’s head on Josh’s own bare chest and one arm slung over him to rest against his side. They wake up with Josh’s hand rubbing circles in Tyler’s hip and a leg hooked behind his knee. It’s comfortable. It’s so comfortable.

|-/

Josh hangs back from this week’s pool visit. He’s still getting over his sunburn, and with the others out of the house, he can finally show Tyler the first thing he’d ever asked of him.

_Come over_

_hold on_

_My parents aren’t home_

_a meme? really?_

_Tylerrr. Come ooonnn_

_hold on!_

_I can play the drums for you :)_

_i’ll be right over_

Josh laughs loudly and sets up. Tyler is banging on the door in six minutes.

“I’ve told you, Ty. Just walk in.”

 _It was locked,_ he tells. Oops.

He’s nervous. He didn’t think he would be nervous, because it’s just Tyler, but it’s _Tyler_. He has to make it good, he can’t disappoint, he has to somehow prove himself. And he doesn’t truly know why it comes from this, but it does. But the nerves show, and he’s tentative at first.

Tyler sits on his bed, criss-crossed and smiling expectantly.

Josh drums hard. He starts off with a stolen beat, one he learned by copying what he saw others do online. He ends with his own rhythm, one he finds in the moment, remembering Tyler, forgetting Tyler, getting lost in his own movements and his own sound. He stops the beat suddenly, losing it. He’s breathing heavily, sweating, smiling.

Tyler’s smiling. He looks in love.

“How, uh, how was that?” He’s nervous.

_You should go professional._

Instinctively, Josh shrugs it off, but inside he’s positively glowing. A welcome warmth settles in his stomach. _No way_ , he signs, standing up from the kit and wiping himself off with the black towel he keeps for that very purpose.

Tyler grabs Josh’s wrists and pulls him down on the bed with him, criss-cross. _I used to play piano._

_Why not anymore?_

Tyler looks hollow. _I can’t sing anymore._

The realization that Tyler didn't just lose his voice but his talent makes Josh feel hollow, too.

_I used to sing._

|-/

Josh goes to the next week’s pool visit, but asks if he can bring Tyler. His dad lets out a cheery, “Of course, love that kid!” before his mother can even open her mouth. Josh doesn’t miss the look she shoots his dad, and he has a feeling they’ll be having ‘a talk’ later, but he’s too wrapped up in his dad’s positive response to care. It shows.

Ashley perks up. “Oooh, Tyler’s coming?” She’s waggling her eyebrows at him.

It’s Josh’s turn to shoot _her_ a look. “Don’t.”

The car is cramped, more so than it already was. Four in the back turns to five on the allotted three seats. Abbie has to sit on Josh’s lap—“she’s the youngest and you’re the oldest, it only makes sense”—and Tyler is squished between him and Ashley. He looks slightly uncomfortable.

“So, Tyler,” Ashley starts.

“Ashley,” Josh warns.

He can tell Tyler is hiding a laugh behind his hands. He looks less uncomfortable.

|-/

Josh has had many bad ideas. This one may be barely riding that line.

He stands at the side of Tyler’s house and realizes he doesn’t have any pebbles.

_Look out your window_

It’s one in the morning, but he knows Tyler won’t be asleep for a while yet. His phone buzzes in under a minute.

_will i see your pretty face?_

He laughs quietly, he has to be quiet, and tries not to let his friend’s words affect him too much. He can’t control the heat behind his cheeks, though.

_Maybe_

Tyler leans out his window, grinning ear to ear. Josh thinks he’s the one with the pretty face. He’s signing something, but Josh can’t quite make it out in the dark. “Just text!” he calls up. He winces. Quiet.

_what are you doing here? did you sneak out? is this that scene where you sneak me out and we do something romantic?_

Josh knows Tyler’s just teasing, just messing around, but it stings just a little bit.

_Yes, I snuck out. Yes, I’m sneaking you out. Let’s go_

Tyler is on the ground in seconds, locking his front door behind him.

“I thought you were gonna come out the window,” Josh pouts when Tyler’s close enough to hear his murmurs.

_I don’t want to break my ankles! Besides, you don’t have to be that quiet, my parents sleep like rocks._

“What about Zack?”

_Couldn’t care less about him. He won’t tell, anyway._

They’re walking down the sidewalk, to the outskirts of the neighborhood. Josh furrows his eyebrows in concern. He doesn’t fully trust Zack anymore.

Tyler nudges his shoulder with his own to grab his attention. _It’s fine. Don’t worry about it._ Josh nods. _Where are you taking me, anyway?_

Josh breaks out into a large smile and immediately shakes his head. “Surprise,” he whispers.

Tyler groans.

The night is a muggy one, and Josh glances down at Tyler’s long blue-with-white clouds pajama pants sticking to his legs with sweat already. Josh is wearing shorts himself, but he’s glad to see the pants again. It’s a reminder.

After a minute of walking the empty streets in silence, Josh feels a hand shakily grab onto his own. He’s surprised, turns to look at Tyler. The brunet boy is staring ahead steadily, and by the dim blue light of the streetlamps, Josh can detect a hint of a blush high on his cheeks. It’s adorable, just like everything Tyler seems to do, and Josh doesn’t want him getting embarrassed. So, he curls their fingers together and squeezes once, twice. It’s silent.

When Tyler notices where they’re headed, he lets go of Josh’s hand to sign, _I knew it. Romantic._ He’s smirking.

Josh laughs. “Sure.”

It’s incredibly dark under the trees, but it’s a straight shot to the meadow, which seems to glow in the nearly full moonlight. The red and pink and gold flowers look purple and lavender and silver. Tyler looks silver. Tyler’s looking at him.

“Hi,” Josh says, quietly. He has to be quiet.

Tyler mouths, “Hi,” around a smile.

There’s an unspoken understanding between them as they gather in the middle of the soft grasses and face the sky. Being on the outskirts of town, with no immediate light blocking the view, the stars put on a show.

Tyler points. Josh says, “Scorpius.”

Josh murmurs, “Hercules.”

Josh whispers, “Cassiopeia.”

Josh breathes, “Tyler.”

Tyler is hovering over him, his line of sight with the stars obscured by hazel eyes. Hazel eyes that gaze down at him with a question.

Josh answers it by reaching up to splay his hands on Tyler’s back and pull him down, down, down. They rest chest to chest, with Tyler’s legs bracketing his own and Tyler’s hands in his hair and Tyler’s mouth on his neck. Josh wants to sob. He thinks he might already have.

“Tyler,” he says again, broken.

The brunet boy lifts his head from the crook of Josh’s neck, and Josh wastes no more time. His hands move from Tyler’s back to rest against the sides of his face, and he strokes a thumb along each cheekbone. He sees the beginnings of a smile on Tyler’s face before closing his eyes and leaning forward. Josh is met with Tyler closing his lips over his own, and he sighs at the soft touch.

The fact that he can feel the smile that has haunted him for weeks sets a burning warmth under his heart. They move in closed-mouth kisses, awkwardly and softly. Josh’s hands are frozen in place where they rest on Tyler’s cheeks because he’s sure if he moves that Tyler will disappear. Tyler, on the other hand, is a flurry of motion. He moves his hands from Josh’s hair to slide down his sides, over his chest, up his neck, and back into his hair again. Josh needs to stop.

“Tyler.” It’s the third time he’s said his name, and Josh thinks it may be all he has in him.

“That’s me.”

Josh doesn’t think it’s real at first—he’s so used to imagining it that it doesn’t catch. But when he grasps the fact that Tyler just _spoke_ , he’s the one suddenly speechless. Tyler’s voice, while dry and broken from lack of use for who knows how long, is beautiful. It’s absolutely everything and nothing Josh thought it would be. It fits. He wants to hear more of it.

He sits up, bringing Tyler with him. Tyler looks positively gleeful.

“Oh my god, _Tyler._ ”

Tyler’s smile turns apologetic and he shakes his head slightly.

Josh’s heart falls. “What? No, no, no, don’t stop now! That was beautiful.”

Tyler signs, _I’m sorry_.

He feels like crying.

|-/

“He talked, mom.”

“Good.”

“Don’t get your hopes up.”

She sighs. “Never.”

|-/

“Come here,” Josh says from his place on the couch. Tyler sits on his lap, hands on his shoulders. “Let me try something,” he murmurs against the brunet boy’s lips, hands searching up underneath his shirt, palms flat on his knobby spine.

Tyler breaks away for a moment to sign, _Is this why you skipped out on family vacation?_

Family vacation, to Josh, is rather just a weekend at his aunt’s house. He’d feigned sick because, well, a weekend at his aunt’s is probably the most boring thing ever. Tyler, however, is much more fun.

“It might be,” Josh smirks.

Tyler’s laughs turn to moans turn to deep aftershock sighs.

|-/

The meadow has always been something special, a place to remind Josh about what his life became. It’s no wonder the secluded spot has turned into the safest space imaginable. Josh feels there’s a significance for the meadow in Tyler’s mind, too. He spoke there, when he wouldn’t speak anywhere else.

He’s there now.

Tyler’s back is to him when he steps out of the thick trees and into the circle of sunlight. Josh sits down next to him, and it feels like their first meeting all over again.

“Your dad said you’d run off.” It was a statement, but Josh lilts his voice like a near-question.

_They found out._

“Who? Found out what?”

 _Please, sign with me._ Josh signs his previous questions, and Tyler answers, his motions slow, _Zack and Maddie. They found out what happened...to me._ And Tyler looks empty.

Josh clenches his jaw in quick understanding. Tyler continues.

 _They overheard my parents. It was so...they looked so…_ Tyler’s hands still and he wraps his fingers around the flowers in front of his crossed legs and tugs. Harsh ripping sounds reach Josh’s ears as the stems break and the flowers die clenched in between Tyler’s palms. Josh is quiet. Josh isn’t going to ask, because he’s sure Tyler will storm off if he does. He waits.

He doesn’t wait long.

_I knew a man. Tutor. He would come over to our house every week for me. I’m not good at math. He was introduced as Mr. Clark. I soon came to know him as Ted._

Tyler stops for a moment, breathes deep and shaky breaths, and doesn’t look at Josh.

_We became close. I thought we were just being friends. It was really nice. We did stuff outside the house, outside tutoring. We ate lunch, then we ate dinner, then we saw movies. I went over to his house a lot. He had two dogs._

Josh’s vision is steadily blurring from the amount of tears that catch in his eye. He doesn’t want them to fall, because this isn’t his story. This isn’t his pain.

_I thought I knew him. I knew I trusted him. Misplaced. It happened the one time my mother finally let me stay later than dinner at his house. She blames herself. I blame myself._

Tyler doesn’t let Josh butt in with a ‘you shouldn’t blame yourself.’

_It was late. We were on the couch watching TV. Cops was on. He acted like this was normal, that this was what we had been leading up to this whole time. He told me that we had been going on dates, and that if I held out now I was nothing but a tease. He made me say the nastiest things and I hated how I sounded._

Tyler swallows, finally looking up at Josh. His eyes are dry and calm as he says, “Bad Boys serenaded us, and now I have a panic attack every time I hear that song.”

Behind his tears and the thickness in his throat, Josh dares to ask, “When?”

“You remember when we met, right here? It’d been a year that day.”

Josh shakes his head out of pure disbelief. He’s angry. He’s angry that something so vile could happen to someone so undeserving, he’s angry at the man who performed this absolutely vile act, and he’s angry at the world in and of itself. He’s so angry that it takes him a moment to register Tyler’s voice.

“Is this when you go quiet again?”

Tyler shakes his head. “Not anymore. I’m safe now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m safe, Josh. I’m safe.”

Josh doesn’t ask, because he thinks he understands. And maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he isn’t supposed to know what Tyler means. Maybe this is for Tyler’s mind only.

Josh can live with that.

Tyler allows himself to climb over and onto Josh in a fierce, clawing embrace. Josh feels a wetness at his shoulder, in his neck, and he holds him even tighter. The air and the ground is warm around and beneath them. Red and pink and gold flowers wrap them in an embrace of their own. They accept them.

They meet surrounded by flowers.


End file.
